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When light turns to dark

This is an extremely personal post, one I’m not sure I should share though I’m doing it anyway. Amplifying awareness of depression can be a positive thing and no one should be ashamed of suffering from darkness. If you find the subject of depression and suicide uncomfortable reading then you may wish to ignore this post.

“I have my moments. Ever since I was a boy, I never was someone who was at ease with happiness. Too often I embrace introspection and self-doubt. I wish I could embrace the good things.” – Hugh Laurie

At 22 years old I read Touching from a distance,  a heart felt memoir from the widow of Ian Curtis, lead singer of Joy Division. Joy division along with the Beatles were a huge influence in my life by that point. Their musical prowess and lyrical stories went deep into my mind helping shape how I saw the world and behaved in it.

Sadly Ian Curtis was f#cked up and hanged himself. He had a wife, baby daughter, and was the lead singer in one of the most successful bands in the UK, a band who were just about to go to America and explode into a phenomenon.

Not even his wife new how savage his demons had become, his suicide came as a surprise, despite knowing and seeing his often severe bouts of depression.

We’re all f#cked up in some way, for some it’s depression, for others it can be anxiety or addiction or any number of other conditions. It doesn’t matter that we can have people who love us, great jobs, strong friendships and what society generally deems as a successful life, being f#cked up is being human.

The same year I read Touching from a distance, Stephen Fry famously disappeared.  He was suffering a huge bout of darkness and left the country with many fearing he had killed himself. He was starring in a play, had written many successful books as well as TV shows and was becoming a popular actor. None of this prevented his darkness.

You can have it all and still want to end it all.

I’m human so I’m f#cked up too, if you think you’re not in some way then you haven’t looked deep enough or you’re in denial. I suffer from bouts of darkness, where depression sets in and at times I have no idea how to get myself out. I’ve become so proficient at hiding the severity there is no one but me that knows how deep it goes. It’s a burden I carry and I haven’t wanted to include others, especially those closest to me.

Before leaving Microsoft I worked with friends who’d known me for 18 years, friends who were colleagues. One in particular could see the sign of darkness on my horizon and call me out, helping me realise what was happening. He was the only person I wasn’t able to hide my darkness from. Until now I hadn’t realised how important that was for me, having someone who can help (without me asking for it) before the demons took over.

With my move to a new work place, a new country and friends who are hundreds of miles away I can feel that darkness at times. If I continue to disguise it I’ll get more exhausted from hiding it, from staying awake at night and living it, from disguising it at work, at home and to anyone I come in contact with. I’ve realised it’s time for me to be honest about how dark my demons have become and gain better control.

Thankfully I have a terrific wife, terrific friends old and new and a job that challenges me more than any job before it. I don’t look to drugs for help, I look to lifestyle changes. For me lifestyle change is the most effective way to cure psychological conditions. So all in I think I’ll be ok, I have been up to this point and 99% of people have no idea I suffer (until now of course).

Yet there are many that don’t have the support I can choose to utilise, how do they turn darkness back into light? The Guardian has done a fantastic write up with details on charities and organisations that can help. If the darkness is in your life or you know someone who has it, read up by starting with that article. Let’s all focus on being a light not a judge, we’re all human and that means we all need help for something.

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